Sunday April 1 - Hungover...

My name's Will and I'm a social alcoholic. I fell off the wagon last night. I ate a piece of rum-laced Black Forest Gateau, washed down with four pints of Absinthe.

Ha ha ha ha ha! Not really! April Fool! I fooled you, you idiots! I played a hilarious prank, and you fell for it! Ha ha ha ha ha!

Aaaaah. April Fool's Day. You've got to love nationalised japery.

In truth, Gem and I went for a day trip Chester Zoo yesterday. See, that's the sort of thing you do when alcohol is out of your life and you don't have the luxury of spending your weekend sleeping, puking and watching the Hollyoaks omnibus.
Instead, you drive to national tourist attractions and watch some semi-intelligent life-forms grunting, chattering and parading their swollen buttocks and protruding nipples for all to see. So, not a million miles from the Hollyoaks omnibus, after all.

Funnily enough, another (alleged) former addict was there too. Kerry Katona was wandering around with new hubby Dave and her two daughters, who are quite pretty, considering they were sired by the piggy one out of Westlife.

I considered asking Kerry if she was there for similar reasons to me.

Trying to fill those long hours now you're off the alleged bugle, eh love?

I didn't, though, because I was concerned that hubby Dave would think I was taking the piss and have me whacked. Those taxi-drivers can be quite well-connected, you know.

After the zoo, I went to Alma de Santiago (nee Dovedale Towers) for a pint of blackcurrant and soda. It cost me £2.40.

Now, I would complain and point out that when the Alma was known as plain old Dovedale Towers, a pint of squash would have cost about 45p. But, you know, they have turned it into a major celebrity hotspot. Mikey from Big Brother was spotted in there around six months ago. You simply can't expect bargain basement prices when you are rubbing shoulders with that level of people.

Today is an important milestone in this project, as it is exactly one-quarter complete. I was planning to give a comprehensive round-up of my deepest thoughts and emotions at this stage, but I've spent the time writing about protruding nipples and Kerry Katona instead, and now I'm driving to Brum to watch Blues-Coventry.

Deep emotions will have to wait. I'll just bottle them up inside me, like they did in the olden days. I will not, however, be leaving my back door open.