Monday May 21 - The 19th Hole

My name's Will and I'm a social alcoholic. It's been four months, 20 days and 21 hours since my last drink.

Got back from my golfing weekend in Spain with Gary and Gregg at midnight last night.

I knew I'd want alcohol on a weekend away with the lads. A few cold lagers in the sun. Bottle of wine with dinner. Pricey pints and free shots of unidentifiable local spirits on the night out. These small pleasures are standard issue for any holiday.

What I didn't realise - perhaps naively - was that I would want a large quantity of booze to wash away the embarrassment of hacking not one, not two but three beautiful golf courses to pieces.

The courses were named Europe, Asia and America. Nice names, but my badly swung irons should have been named Hitler, Genghis Khan and Osama Bin Laden for the damage they did to each one respectively.

Water and coke can cool you down, but nothing quite quenches the burning shame of duffing your first tee shot - while an official starter looks on with a mixture of pity and loathing - like sweet sweet booze.

Fortunately, Gary and Gregg were happy to step into the breech and drink my share.

Alas, after about 16 hours sleep over the last four nights combined, I'm unable to string a sentence together.

It's a shame, cos there are many great tales to tell from our two nights out in Puerto Banus (like Blackpool with more money and less class) but I just can't.

I'll try again tomorrow, which, incidentally, is another night I should be boozing on as it's my 31st birthday.

In the meantime, if you bump into me and want to hear a funny story verbally, just prompt me by saying one of the following:

1. The Hemingway approach.
2. "No it's German. That's why I said Gooooldshlaaager."
3. WE'RE REALLY GOOD AT PUTTING!